attilatehbun: ([what what WHAT])
[personal profile] attilatehbun
I have long been a lover of the insect kingdom. Bugs and me, we have basically always been bros. I have saved many a japanese beetle from my parents' horrifying "garden protection" massacres. My yoghurt cup full of grubs was a much prized possession for all of two days. (IT WAS A COLLECTION OKAY) Bugs found to be crawling on me will, under normal circumstances, be held up to my nose for close inspection before being gently relocated to a more hospitable home, such as a leaf or a twig or somewhere-that-is-not-the-inside-of-my-laptop-and-as-such-does-not-forebode-imminent-squishing. Even the occasional roach in my kitchen does not provoke much more than a "oi, get off of that" (excepting of course when they make babies in my coffee pot, which i imagine is an understandable reaction). I have been known to apologize to bees after they have stung me. (It is only fair. I mean, I might have an ouchy but they are straight up disemboweled.)

I am on good terms with bugs, is what I am trying to say. We cool. (Well, except for spiders. Which is fine as they are not technically bugs anyway, but instead slightly fuzzy arachnoid demons of evil and horribleness that are going to attack myfaceinmysleepaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.)


But anyway, ants. Ants and I are probably on the best terms of all bugs except for beetles. (I really love beetles.) Most of the time we just ignore each other and I have mad respect for how they do, all chugging along and lifting heavy stuff and falling relative distances of like 100 feet off of windowsills and getting up after. They do their thing, ants, and I am okay with it.

But they are in my house. They have been in my house for months now. Most of the time this does not bother me because if they crawl up my arm while I am watching the tv I just brush them off and we go about our respective days. They are not into my food supply, or even my trash. But they are apparently everywhere else. I have to say, it is getting kind of ridiculously tiring to have to drown about thirty ants every morning simply because I would like to wash my face now please the drain is a bad place to be. Also, inspecting one's toothbrush for ants is well. Gross. You can wash it and wash it and wash it and drown several more unfortunate ants in the process, but you are never one hundred percent sure, so then you end up having to check your teeth in the bathroom mirror and if you see something that looks just a little like a black dot you are suddenly all OMG DID I JUST BRUSH MY TEETH WITH ANTS. It is not fun.

(I say this as a person who has in fact actually eaten ants. But there is a difference between eating ants even semi on purpose and unknowingly brushing your teeth with ants. It is a subtle distinction, but I assure you, it is there.)

Then there is the third part of the morning routine, which can basically be summed up as ANT CHECKING THE TOILET PAPER. I am an expert at toilet paper checks. I have been checking the TP for unexpected visitors ever since that one time when I was eight when there was a HUGE FUCKING SPIDER on the piece I was about to apply to my nether regions. (SPIDER/TP TRAUMA '91. NEVAR FORGET.) Still, this does not mean I particularly enjoy it. Especially not as ants are rather small and my vision is pretty shitty and usually I am wearing my glasses not my contacts at this point so my vision is even shittier and also I have usually just woken up. I like you a lot, ants, but that does not mean I want you getting acquainted with my bits.

Obviously, the ants are becoming a problem.

The SO and I have about a half dozen different kinds of ant traps in the apartment, but so far we have not used any, preferring instead a whirlwind campaign of ignoring/being disgruntled (me) and spotting a cluster/grabbing a broom and attempting to poke the ants to death with the bristles (SO). Obviously this is not particularly effective. So, why have we not put the traps out? Well, I will tell you, flist. All of these traps say, in large helpful letters, HARMFUL TO PETS. They say, KEEP BAIT AWAY FROM PETS. You see, these traps are all POISON traps.

This in and of itself would not be so much of a problem. We are functional human beings enough that we can put poison bait in places that the cats cannot get it, no matter how sneaky they might be. There are places like behind the fridge or under the sink or taped to the underside of things that the cats just cannot get at. So this is not strictly a problem. No, see, the problem is that all of these traps, to a one, are "Kill the Colony" traps. Which yes, I suppose is the effective kind of trap if you, y'know, want to rid yourself of an ant problem. But it is not so much of a good trap if you have two cats who are bug-munchers.

I mean, the whole way these things work is that the ants pick up the tasty tasty poison and then carry it back to the rest of their compatriots. Little tiny Trojan Ants of death. This is all well and good until Smee starts cramming ants in his fat little mouth and I'm sitting there going "are those normal, healthy ants or are they full of poison?" "are those deathbringer!ants?" "what are the warning signs of poisoning?" "did he just twitch oddly or was that a normal spasm?" "how do you make a cat vomit?" "is there a vet visit in my future?" "oh god the car isn't even working IS MY KITTY ABOUT TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE?" This is the other side to deathbringer!ant ant traps.

Could I stop the idiots from snacking on ants like they're the kitty version of pork rinds and Twinkies? Yeah. When I'm there. But they are alone in the house from when the SO leaves in the morning until I get home at night. About 10 hours in total. Who knows what they could be doing or how many deliciously poison-seasoned ants they might find in that time. My apartment would become Schrodinger's Apartment Box full of possibly dead kitties until I actually turned the key in the lock and went inside every. single. day. Did they eat the poison ants? Did they not eat the poison ants? How many poison ants does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop kill a kitty anyway? I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON I CANNOT OBSERVE IT.

My sanity is sort of suffering no matter which way we choose to go with this. I should make a list. Or a deathmatch. ANTS ON A TOOTHBRUSH VERSUS POSSIBLY VOMITING KITTY, TONIGHT AT THE SPECTRUM SPECTRUM SPECTRUM. TRUCKZILLA OPENS! ONE NIGHT ONLY, BUY YOUR TICKETS FAST. ARE YOU REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY????



Urgh. Ants. Just go back outside and do us all a favor, okay?
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